if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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