Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
