I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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