I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
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Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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