totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
