you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
