This is not my ceiling
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
