my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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