Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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