Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
