I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
