Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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