Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
