Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
