theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
