Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
