Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
The air taste purple.
Randomize
