I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
