You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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