sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
