Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
