I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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