did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Congratulations! We have a period
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