some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
