my being single is dangerous.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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