It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Can you bring me the toilet please
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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