are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
