awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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