You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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