I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
