It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
