I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
