1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
