No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
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Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
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