well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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