counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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