Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
