I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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