I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
