Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
