i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
