what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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