So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
