Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
