what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
