Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
