Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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