i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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