My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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