6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
