I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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