So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Is it because I queefed?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
