were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
