Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
