Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
